What if dating after the age of 40 didn’t have to be so hard?
As a dating and relationship coach, I ask my clients this question all the time! Many of the women I work with repeat things like “All the good ones are gone!” and “Nobody wants to commit anymore!” But what if those common gripes are just stories you’ve created to keep yourself safe from finding the love you deeply desire?
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I have worked with thousands of women to help them find conscious partnerships—people who align with their core truths and values. In the course of this work, I’ve discovered three tips for finding and keeping secure love in your 40s and beyond. I’m sharing them here with the hope that you’ll get curious about your relationship situation and take a look at how your current dating stories are either helping you or holding you back.
Tip No. 1: Work through your trauma. (Yes, we all have it.)
The definition of trauma is not the event itself, but rather the residual, “stuck” energy from an experience that has not been properly discharged from the body. At some point, every person on this planet experienced a moment in childhood or adulthood that happened “too much, too fast, or too soon” for the nervous system to properly regulate. This trigger will reappear every time your body experiences an event like the one that caused the dysregulation.
If you are not doing the work to deepen your awareness of how trauma shows up in your ability to relate to yourself and others, you may be missing a huge piece of your dating and relationship puzzle.
The first step to recognizing where trauma is held in the body is to gain awareness. I recommend grabbing a journal and answering these questions to begin deeper insight into where trauma may be present in your body:
1. Take a moment to think back to your main caregivers and early romantic relationships. How were you taught to give and receive love?
2. What version of you did you create to receive love as a child and as an adult? (Example: I would stay quiet and not ask for what I truly needed so that I would not get reprimanded.)
3. What is this version costing you now in your adult relationships?
4. When you ask yourself the above questions, where do you notice sensations and emotions arise in your body?
Use the awareness from your answers to these questions to get curious about where you may be holding on to trauma in your body and as a result, repeating patterns in your adult relationships.
Tip No. 2 Learn how to parent your inner child.
Now that you are aware of where sensations and emotions live in your body, it’s time to give your younger self the love it never received.
We often think of childhood needs as things like having enough food to eat and a safe place to sleep at night. However, as children, we need so much more than that—including support for our emotional states. This crucial need is often overlooked, and since we aren’t born with the ability to regulate our emotions, we must learn how to do this as adults.
Here are a few signs that you may have a wounded inner child who may need re-parenting:
You find it difficult expressing emotions
You feel anxious and guilty when setting and honoring boundaries
You suffer from extreme perfectionism
You find it difficult starting and completing tasks
You are a people pleaser
You constantly criticize yourself and others
You do not trust others
You are afraid of being abandoned
You avoid conflict
If you resonate with any or all of the above, write a letter to your inner child. In this letter, try your best to remove any feelings of blame, shame, or guilt and offer compassion for what was missing for you growing up. Make sure to validate any trauma, neglect, or disappointment you may have experienced. This letter should shine a light on the challenges you faced and should offer space for grief. When you are finished with the letter, notice if there is a sense of peace that has entered your body. Repeat this exercise when you feel overwhelmed with any of the items from the list above.
Tip No. 3: Start using your voice and learn how to say “no”.
The life and love you desire require that you speak your truth. When you can embrace being yourself—regardless of the outcome or what others may think of you—you become a conduit for a life that feels authentic and true.
If you’re looking for a relationship where your feelings, needs, and expectations are heard, seen, and valued, then you must use your voice and be brave enough to say “no” to anything that is not in full alignment with what you desire. It sounds so simple, right? But how often do you string people along or not speak your truth in fear that you will hurt someone?
You are not responsible for someone’s acceptance or rejection of you. The only thing you have full control over is your truth. And until you own your truthfully, you will always attract less than you desire.
Related: Want to Avoid a Midlife Crisis? Here’s How to Have a Midlife Awakening!
If you are currently over 40 and feeling frustrated in your search for love, take a moment to dive into one of the tips above. I know this to be true: Happiness in a committed partnership will finally arrive when you recognize that you are truly worthy of the love you deeply desire.
Rumi said it best, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Dating can feel fun and enjoyable—not difficult and dreadful. Going through this work will lead you there.
