I love to flirt; maybe you do too. 

The thing is, when you’re in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, you can only go so far. Flirtation must often happen on the sly, stopping short of actually doing anything. No making out or anything more than a zingy comment and pat on the arm. Otherwise, it’s cheating.  

But what if you could go all the way—hook up with someone and bring your significant other along? What if, as a single person, you could join two others in a sexual romp or even sexy, long-term relationship? What if you and your partner could join another couple?

Maybe you’ve been at a party, as a couple or solo, clicked with someone and thought, “Hmmm … what if?” Maybe you’ve even had a threesome, and that’s when you started to realize there’s a whole new world out there.  

Whether thoughts like these are solidly in your fantasy world or if they’ve turned into your real-world reality, you’ve officially stumbled into the juicy realm of consensual, non-monogamous relationships (CNMR). There is so much to learn and know, it can be helpful to have the basics explained.

Enter this guide.

First, how common is consensual non-monogamy?

While there’s not a ton of research done with couples involved in ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, 4 percent to 9 percent of Americans surveyed have engaged in some sort of open relationship according to research published in 2012 by the National Institutes of Health (NIH, Levin, E.C, et al).

In a 2020 study of 9,000 single Americans, one in five singles say they have been involved in a consensual, open relationship—that’s 20 percent! In that study, most who said they had experience with a CNMR identified as non-heterosexual, but nearly 22 percent were solidly hetero.  

Kate Loree, LMFT, is a Los Angeles-based “sex positive” psychotherapist. She specializes in the kink community, people in consensual non-monogamous relationships, and sex workers; she’s also active in the social justice side of the sex positive movement, which aims to reduce sexual shame. She just published a book called Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, based on five years of research as well as her life experiences.  

Loree says it’s true that the numbers of people interested in some kind of consensual non-monogamous sex life is growing, partly because everything is becoming so fluid. “You date someone and find out they are non-monogamous, meet a partner they play with, and you might end up playing with them or meeting someone else through them,” Loree explains. “Then you and your new lover might decide to play with someone together or separately, which tends to lean more toward a polyamorous-type of relationship.” 

So, who does this? Loree has a very interesting answer: “What I’ve found is there’s definitely a category of people who are drawn to this who maybe have cheated in past relationships,” she says. “And they figure, ‘Well, if I’m non-monogamous, I’m not cheating anymore.’ There’s also a huge percent of people who, once they’re non-monogamous, are able to adhere to the relationship agreements. From that place, their self-esteem improves because now they feel better about themselves as humans.”

Some couples decide to try opening up as a way to improve their relationship. Tammy Nelson, PhD, has a doctorate in sexology and has written six books, including Getting the Sex You Want. Her latest is Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement. Dr. Nelson says after 30 years of practice as a couples’ therapist, she was seeing so many people wanting to reboot their marriage or partnership by trying non-monogamy. 

“Really, the monogamy agreement is a continuum,” she says. “So, people can talk about, ‘Is it OK to flirt with other people? What about watching porn together?’ All the way to being polysexual and polyamorous. That’s a wide range. People are looking for how to open that conversation, and a way to revisit that conversation and keep it flexible and fluid throughout all the developmental stages of the relationship.”

Loree agrees, adding that younger generations and queer communities are often more likely to have grown up around non-monogamy as an option. “It also could be chosen as a reaction to growing up in a very pressurized religious group, and they completely swing the other way,” she says. “Then there are people who have been in a long relationship, and they get to that point where they’re like, ‘Oh, well, we really love each other, but you know, the kids have moved out, and we’re ready for some new adventures.’” 

Related: These 5 Female Founders are Making Your Love Life Safer—and Sexier

Understanding the important terminology

Before you dip your toe into the world of consensual non-monogamy, it helps to know some basic definitions: 

For starters, there’s cheating, which is when you are practicing non-consensual non-monogamy. That’s pretty clear. 

Then there is the ethical, consensual type of non-monogamy, based on trust and honesty. This means you are transparent and kind, keeping very few secrets from any of your partners or lovers. Within this definition, there are an array of arrangements:

• You can participate in what those in the CNMR realm call the “lifestyle,” which means a swinging, husband-and-wife swapping kind of action. Swingers generally participate as a couple or as a single woman, attend parties, and hook up with very few ties, sometimes without even exchanging names.  

• There’s also polyamory, which has been getting a lot of attention lately.  This term can mean you are in a committed relationship that invites others in as play partners or as romantic and loving partners. Often couples who are polyamorous identify a hierarchy that designates a primary partner and others as secondary partners. 

• You might be in a committed relationship and invite others to play, but only when you are playing as a couple, often called “monogam-ish.” You might even be in a committed relationship made up of three or more people, a.k.a. a triad or quad.

• You can be a “solo poly” person, which can mean you have many intimate and sexual relationships but remain independent and unattached. Some call this “single-ish.” You might even say that solo polyamory means you are your primary partner.

• Then there is “relationship anarchy” (RA). People practicing RA do not rank partners as primary or secondary and consider all of their romantic relationships to be equal.   

OK, but what about jealousy? 

Here’s the honest truth: If you start to play around with consensual non-monogamy, there’s a very good chance you will get jealous. You will be jealous of the other lovers, whether you are a single joining a couple or a couple welcoming in a single. Jealousy is often just fear in sheep’s clothing, so it’s hard (though healthy!) to look at. 

“If you’re not willing to work with jealousy, don’t become non-monogamous,” one woman in a CNMR relationship says.  “There are certain pains that you just sign up for; I mean if you are monogamous, you have to deal with lack of interest, maybe, or a desire to be with other people. When you’re non-monogamous, you know there will be jealousy and sometimes guilt. But I see my partner’s willingness to deal with the jealousy as the biggest feminist thing he ever did for me.” 

Loree adds that jealousy is sometimes confused with feeling disrespected. “If you have chosen a partner who breaks every agreement, then you need to have a conversation about that,” she says. “If you have a kind, fun, compassionate partner, it will be easier. That’s why one of the most important choices that you make within non-monogamy is your partner.” 

Related: How One Woman Learned to Reclaim Erotic Pleasure

Gwenn Cody, LCSW, a certified sex and intimacy therapist in Portland, Oregon, runs workshops called “Three’s Company,” which are all about joining and creating luscious, safe, and sexy threesomes. “It’s wonderful that having a threesome is no longer perceived as a bizarre fetish, but instead as a joyful sexual experience. I think people are experimenting more, and younger people have just grown up in a world that is more open to everything.” 

So, you’re ready to have a threesome or moresome…

Say you’re at a party by yourself, and there’s a couple you know, and you want to suggest a threesome. Or you’re at an event with your partner and you spot a stranger you’d like to invite to play. Or you have just met someone you’d love to make out with, but you just started dating someone new. What should you do?

Explore your options. Finding a sex-positive social group is a great first step, whether you are exploring solo or as a couple. A good place to start is sexpositiveworld.org, where you’ll find lots of information on the sex positive movement, a community of like-minded people, events and workshops, and local chapters. There’s even help starting your own chapter if there’s not one in your area.

You might also check out dating apps, especially Feeld. Users create a profile listing their interests and deepest desires and will find suggested matches and photos. Whether you’re single and looking to hook up with a couple or find a non-monogamous partner, or you’re in a couple and looking to find a third or fourth, this is a dating app worth trying. You also can designate any kink interest; there are currently 15 gender designations and more than 22 sexuality definitions in the Feeld glossary. Feeld’s mission: “To open up the future of human connection through normalising sexual desire.” 

If you are interested in kink and BDSM, check out Fetlife, a social networking site that serves the kink, fetish, and BDSM communities. For some good old-fashion swinging, search lifestyle groups and events in your area; I found at least five local events every week, including parties for people 50 and up, pool parties, and bike rides. 

Related: An Approachable Guide to Feeld, the Alternative Dating App

Express and establish interest. If you are flying solo, move on to the next step. If you are in a partnership, you definitely need to discuss your desires with your significant other. Transparency, honesty, and a willingness to talk about the hard things when they come up are crucial.  

“If you want it, your partner doesn’t, and you’re not free to do it on your own, coercing your partner into sexual experiences they don’t want to have is a really bad idea,” adds Cody. You might try to discover the “why”—whether it’s fear of abandonment or jealousy—and suggest some books, such as The Ethical Slut. You can also compromise and start slowly, getting your agreements set and checking in frequently. “But if it becomes a critical part of your sexual identity, you might have to leave that partnership in order to be in triads or more regularly with like-minded others,” says Cody. 

Have a conscious conversation. Once the participants in a threesome or moresome have identified each other and there has been an invitation to play, it’s crucial to have an upfront conversation so everyone knows what they are getting into. 

“First, it’s important to establish if this is a recreational moment or the beginning of something that would be longer-term,” says Cody. “Second, talk about STI status, condoms, and risk tolerance. Third, it’s important that everyone shares their desires, expectations, fears, and boundaries. Basically, everyone answers the question, ‘What do I want, and what do I not want?’   

“Fears might include feeling left out, being perceived as undesirable, fear of emotions you don’t know how to process. Also, if you’re in a partnership, you might have a fear that you’ll be more into the other person. Talk about it all.”  

Make sure everyone gets a turn. “Especially if it’s your first time together, it’s a good idea to start with everyone gets a turn ‘in the middle,’ to receive what they want, for 10 or 15 minutes, for instance,” says Cody. 

Practice after-care. “As with any sexual experience, it’s an act of courtesy and kindness to check in as your time together ends, and then later that day or the next—especially if there is a couple and a third,” says Cody. Remember, the couple has built-in emotional connection. So, include everybody. “Ask questions like, ‘How did it go? How do you feel? Is this something we want to repeat?’” says Cody. “It’s important to express care and concern for each other.”

The bottom line, Cody adds: “When done well, a threesome or moresome experience has a potential for an exponentially higher level of ecstasy, because of the additive nature of three or more people in bed and the increased range of options about what can happen.” 

I like the sound of that. And if the rise in my body temperature as I write this is any indication, I might just go for it.

Peg Moline is a Los Angeles-based writer and editor.

Meet Three Couples Who’ve Explored Threesomes and Moresomes

Maria and Thomas

Thomas and Maria have been together for almost nine years and live together in San Diego. “Even before we started dating, Maria told me she was interested in a concept that [author] Dan Savage was talking about, something he called ‘monogam-ish,’” says Thomas. “And I thought hmmm, here’s this interesting, smart woman talking about this. So even though I hadn’t really thought about coloring outside the lines before, I was like, ‘Yes, please tell me more!’” 

“Our first steps took more than a year of talking, because we were just super smitten with each other,” adds Maria. “Then, I spotted this cute guy in an art store who I wanted to make out with, and we went on a date and made out. Then Thomas kissed somebody. It was so much fun.” 

They also quickly realized the nuances and challenges: “We kind of stumbled through the pitfalls the first year,” says Maria. “For example, telling each other when we were going on a date became one of our agreements. That, and letting each other know when there’s a new person in our lives, and if there’s an attraction we want to act on.” 

“We have some safe sex agreements,” adds Thomas, referring to testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs). “Which I have broken,” says Maria. “Yeah, you make lots of agreements, and then you break them, and then you have to talk about it,” she adds. 

“I think the biggest agreement we have is that we are down to process the hard stuff, to learn and acknowledge that that we have difficult emotions as we hack through the jungle,” says Thomas. “And consent is 100% important—consent to whatever is happening, yes, but also consent to allow for time to process, or to ask for the space to process a harder dialogue. Honoring that.”

For Maria and Thomas, CNMR deepened all of their relationships. “It changed my friendships,” says Maria. “And learning to be honest about my sexuality, something I wasn’t supposed to be honest about, helped me feel more honest in the world.” 

“I like this concept of relationship authorship,” says Thomas, “Once I started to identify as ethically non-monogamous, I realized that I can customize my relationships, not have to be on that mono-normative relationship elevator. It’s a more fun way to do a relationship. It’s harder, but it’s more fun.”  

Dylan and Trisha

Dylan and Trisha of Portland, OR have been married for 20 years, and about nine years ago they started seeing a couples therapist. “We were working on how we could be sexier with each other,” Trisha explains. “And the therapist said, ‘Well, one of the things you could do is to put yourself in sexier situations.’ Then she told us about an organization called Sex Positive Portland.”  (SPP is part of a nationwide network, “a community of open-minded, fun … people who provide a chance to explore, learn, and grow in a safe, welcoming, and consensual environment.”  They offer sex education for adults, touch positive events, dances and discussion groups. Look for chapters near you.) 

“We started going to events,” says Trisha. “It wasn’t like jumping into opening our relationship, but very slowly over a couple years, we got started thinking about this.” 

“It definitely has been a roller coaster,” adds Dylan. “Our first threesome was pretty fun, definitely a peak; it was a birthday present one year. We met a woman we liked, and she and Trisha set it all up. We went down to her house, outside on a deck overlooking a canyon and it was just so much fun.”

And while the couple engaged in plenty of sexual experiences together, “we’ve slowly grown to appreciate the romantic and deep friendships that have evolved,” says Trisha. “There have also been some mismatches, and we eventually came to the conclusion that Dylan and I are a bit different when it comes to sex and what we want out of those experiences. We tried threesomes and foursomes, but now we have our experiences separately.”  

Lauren

Lauren, who identifies as a non-binary pansexual, fits the description of solo poly. They are simply not interested in the “weight” of having a primary relationship. “This way, I get so much, so many more unusual forms and colors and shades of relationships and friendships and connections without those breakups! I don’t have to worry about that constantly running in my head. And I go to parties and meet people who like sex, often queer people, nice, sexy people. Everyone knows the rules, and it’s a safe place. I find the parties through communities and through Meetups. And some have become my family.

She doesn’t worry about so-called couples’ privilege: “I realize going in that they’re a couple, and that’s just the way it is. What will make me run away faster than ‘couples’ privilege’ is if I am an excuse for negativity in their relationship; you know, one complains to me about something they can’t talk to the other about. Nope. That’s why I’m not a threat to couples. I don’t want what they have.  

“I get to be honest, physical, loving and direct. I get to go home to my cat. My biggest challenge is scheduling.”