Let me give you a scenario. You meet a guy or gal (or ________ ). You hit it off. Things are going really well. And then one night in bed, they whisper to you those four paralyzing words: Talk dirty to me.
You’re not a dirty talker. You’re a good person. You have house plants and call your mother every Sunday. What are you going to say? What if you say the wrong thing?
The following 10 seconds are going to make or break this relationship. If only you had read this article yesterday.
The first thing you need to know is that talking dirty is a terrible mistake. It’s a mistake in the same way that telling a professional cage fighter you’re going to kick their ass is a mistake. You’re not an ass-kicker. You have house plants.
Same thing goes for dirty talk. You call your mom every Sunday. You can’t tell someone you’re gonna hold them down by their throat and make them beg you to let them cum. That’s what’s called an empty promise. Nothing’s more disappointing than an empty promise.
And that’s why talking dirty is a terrible mistake. But now what are you gonna do? Someone just asked you to talk dirty to them. Well, roll up your sleeves. You’re gonna actually have to get dirty.
I know. It’s scary. Just breathe. Everything’s gonna be ok. I’m about tell you the secret to life.
When someone says, “talk dirty to me,” what they’re really saying is, “I’m a freak on the inside and want permission to be a freak on the outside.” And, you talking dirty to them is a little bit of permission for them to let their freak flag fly.
So how do you get dirty? It’s not that hard. Water your plants, and then get ready to take notes.
Step 1: The first and most important rule of getting dirty is that you’ve got to know what gets you wet, or hard, or whatever your parts do when they’re excited. I don’t mean the basics. I mean the things you think about when you’re home alone after a long night out and too many drinks. Look at your Google search history. That’s usually a pretty good indicator.
I know, sometimes it’s scary to think about these things out loud in your head. You can’t be the kind of person that’s into [insert your depravity here.] You have houseplants.
Well, you are. It’s ok. Everyone’s got their thing (or things). And knowing these things is the starting point for getting dirty.
Step 2: Now that you know your things, it’s time to share them with your partner.
“WHAT???? I can’t tell them I masturbate to clown shoe porn!!!”
Calm down. Yes, you can. And, more importantly, you have to. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than going through life hiding who you are and what you’re into.
So, take your person out. Buy them a drink. Buy yourself two. And tell them your fantasies. Be honest. Ask them to be open, to listen. If they care, they’ll be so grateful you did. And, here lies the secret of life…
Step 3: They are going to trust you. They’re going to appreciate your vulnerability. And, most importantly for our purposes, they are going to be so relieved that you opened up, they’re going to be able to tell you about their fantasies. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Step 4: Listen. I mean it. Listen to what they’re sharing. Listen for the little details. Ask questions. Tell them when something they share excites you. Let yourself get excited. Share more of your fantasies, more details. Ask them if any of it excites them. (It’s ok if it doesn’t. You’ll find your common ground.)
Step 5: Keep this conversation going. Make a coffee date once a month to talk about your fantasies. Sit at Starbucks and tell them about some video you watched that really turned you on. Ask them what they were fantasizing about the last time they made themselves cum. Ask them to visualize it. You do too. Be vulgar. Be descriptive. Play with it. Have fun. Take your time. This conversation should go on as long as your relationship does.
Hey, houseplant owner, guess what? You’re talking dirty. Yeah, yeah. I know. You’re not in bed. You’re at Starbucks. But you’re still talking dirty.
And more importantly, you’re learning about your partner and what makes them tick. They’ve told you all their fantasies. You’ve got so much dirty talk ammunition, you’ll never run out of things to say. And you’ll actually have things to do. The things you really, really want to do. You’re ready to get dirty.
Now, finish your lattes and go fuck in the Starbucks bathroom. And, don’t forget to tip your barista.