How to Get Yourself Off: A Guide to Going for the O, Solo

Bodies change, sex drives wax and wane, yet your vibrator remains the same. Forget new batteries— what you need is a little novelty in your routine. Use these expert tips to rev up your self-lust and reap the benefits.

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And can it actually get better in your 60s and beyond? Here’s why menopause may actually mark the true beginning of mind-blowing sex. 

One Woman’s Guide to Feeld, the Alternative Dating App

These 10 tips will tee you up to have a great experience.

After my divorce, I was sitting at lunch with a friend musing to her about how I wished there was a way to be more upfront with men about what I wanted and not seem like a total freak.  

I wanted a partner who was game to explore sexually. I wasn’t interested in traditional monogamy and really wanted to play with dominant and submissive roles and energies. I was open to longer term, deep connections—but felt like sexual exploration was a big part of living my best life, and I didn’t want to waste time sifting through Bumble profiles only to casually mention after countless messages that I wanted to play with restraints and group sex.  

I found myself immediate swiping left on profiles that indicated they were “Christian” to avoid any religious judgement. (Although I did discover many profiles that said “Christian” or “Conservative” were actually pretty freaky—but I digress.) 

My friend mentioned that I needed to check out this app called Feeld, a dating app for singles, couples, kinksters, people exploring, and everything in between. My immediate impression is that it’s a more chill and less hard-core version of FetLife, the popular kink, and BDSM community.

Related article: Ever wonder if your sexual fantasy could turn into reality? Here’s one woman’s story.

feeld dating

Creating a profile is easy. But if I’m honest, getting matched was a bit overwhelming at first.  The sheer number of options that people can choose from in their profile is wild—from every type of sexual preference and identity to every imaginable desire, kink and interest. You’ll find profiles for very casual and random hookups to those looking for deep, long-term relationships and everything in between.  

I had more than 2,870 matches within a day of signing up and it took me a month to sort through the list in a meaningful way. Upon matching, you’ll find conversations ranging from the immediate annoying dick pic to those craving intellectual conversations and connection before moving onto the sexual (this is called sapiosexual, I’ve learned).  

The thing I find most refreshing about Feeld is the authenticity of the people on the app.  Everyone is very up front with what they want, what their interests are, and what they’re looking for from a connection. It’s easy to sift through the matches to find those that interest you.

The other thing that I found is that this alternative community of people are for the most part very “normal.”  I’ve met awesome people, from celebrities to neighbors to those who’ve become close friends. There are a lot of very intelligent people on Feeld—and since sexual interest and exploration is a big part of the draw to this app, most people take good care of themselves physically and are mentally aware enough to be open to exploring an alternative app to the usual dating apps.  

The other really fun thing about Feeld is that it’s not just for singles. There are a lot of couples on the app who are looking for their unicorns or for group play, and a lot of singles who are looking for well-adjusted couples to play with. I also found that there were a lot of “vanilla” (the kink world’s term for very regular and normal sex) people who were inexperienced and just exploring, wondering what’s out there, like I was.  Before finding Feeld, I felt very alone in my desire to explore, but having found this community of souls I now feel very normal. These days, I feel like I’m exploring all the things that people normally just fantasize about.  

Here are some practical suggestions on how to navigate Feeld:

  1. Show your face on your profile pic.

    Many profiles do not show their face because they’re anxious for any number of reasons. This is understandable. But it’s important to realize that it will definitely hinder your ability to garner matches. Men especially have pretty stiff competition. (Based on observations I’ve made via my male friends on Feeld, men don’t have the same kind of deluge of matches women often experience.)   

Many people opt to make the face pic visible upon matching, and some put in their profile “face pics upon matching,” which means that they’ll send you a face pic once you match.  I often feel like I don’t really want to go through the effort to match with faceless profiles because if they end up not being attractive to me, I have to un-match—which always feels shitty. That said, a few of the people I’ve enjoyed meeting the most were faceless profiles, but they had something in their profile that made me click on them.  

My best advice: If you choose to not put a face or body picture on your profile, make sure to have something in your profile that will make someone curious enough to match with you.

  1. Upload photos that give people a sense of what your body looks like, too.

    While you aren’t allowed to show explicit photos in your profile pictures, it’s very helpful to have photos that depict your body profile or something sexy that you wouldn’t put on a Bumble profile. I used a photo where I was wearing lingerie as well as a photo with my ankles in restraints, in addition to a surfing pic along the lines of what I’d of posted on a traditional dating app. 

On a similar note, you might want to consider mentioning your height in your profile. While Feeld doesn’t have a place to input height the way most dating apps do, everyone always asks.  If I match with a profile with no height listed in the profile, I ask almost immediately. If a profile does list a height and it’s in my desired range, I look at their photos and profile text much more closely. It saves some time that might otherwise be wasted.

  1. Be authentic and honest.

    This is your space to be totally upfront with what you’re looking for and what you want. Like double penetration?  Say it! Interested in a gangbang? Write it down!  Looking for love with a kinky side? Tell people! I find it so fun to just put it out there that I highly value a guy who can make me squirt. I don’t know how many Bumble dates it would take before I could bring this up. Be unique and fun with how you present your needs and wants. You’ve got the power to create a roadmap toward your own sexual pleasure. Everyone loves a profile that is both straightforward and interesting.

  1. Revisit your profile often.

    You’ll find that as you engage with and meet people on Feeld, your desires and interests will likely change. I started on the app as a single straight woman looking for men. I then opened it up to women, because I realized I wanted to explore whether or not I might be bi. I was never really into couples, but many profiles are specifically looking for couples to join. I once changed my profile to “heteroflexible” before finally switching it back to straight female looking for men.  It’s fun to change it up and see how it feels. The world is your oyster for sexual expression!

  1. Learn your acronyms.

    Be ready to Google a lot of acronyms and research definitions for many words you’ve never heard of.  There are many fetishes and categories of desires.  Here are a few of my favorites:

  • Sapiosexual: people who are turned on by intellect

  • ENM: ethically non monogamous – people who are not monogamous

  • DP: double penetration, a dick in the vagina and another in the anus

  • MFM, FMF, MfM, FmF, MMF, MfMMMMMMM: different ways to depict desired group play (the order matters as well as the capitalization)

  • Shibari: Japanese art of rope play (a “rope bunny” is a female who loves Shibari)

  • Dom/Sub/Switch: stands for Dominant, Submissive and Switch (which means that you can move between the two, often depending on the partner and the situation)

  • GGG: Good, Giving, Game.  

  • Kik: a messaging app that many like to move to in the kink/swinger community

Related article: What Good, Giving, and Game (a.k.a GGG) Taught One Woman About Learning How to Receive Pleasure

  1. Go Incognito when you feel like it.

    Just like any dating app, it’s normal to feel like you want to take a break. You might get tired of sifting through profiles, or maybe you found a partner or few partners that you enjoy spending some time with and don’t want to keep looking (or fielding matches). I recommend setting your profile to Incognito mode so you won’t turn up in searches, rather than terminating or deactivating your profile. This way, if you want to sign on again, you just pick up where you left off. If you have to re-establish a new profile, you will have a huge deluge of profile matches with many being ones you’ve already seen before. It gets annoying to see the same profiles you’ve already passed on before.

  1. Report users if needed.

    If anyone is truly annoying you, you can easily report them. Feeld support is very responsive and intent on keeping the space safe.  

  1. Be patient with glitches.

    I’ve found the Feeld app can be a little bit glitchy. Sometimes the app just kicks you out for no reason. You aren’t alone. If you feel like someone should have written you back but you don’t see any updated messages, simply close the app and restart. If they’ve written to you, it will show up.  

  1. Consider upgrading to the Majestic Membership.

    I’ve found this upgrade is well worth the money. It’s helpful when it comes to matching with people who have already liked you, and you can connect immediately with the people in this category. You can also see when they were logged on last and when they saw your message. This may sound a little bit stalker-ish—but it’s helpful to pinpoint those who aren’t responding even though they saw your message, so you can move on.

  1. Have fun!

    Feeld has been so much fun for me, and I can honestly say that I’ve met so many amazing people on the app. I’ve had a lot more luck finding my type of partner on Feeld than on Hinge or Bumble. I’ve found someone for everything—from very casual hookups to deep soul connections that are long term. The more you enjoy and experience it, the more you’ll pick up and learn how to best respond to messages and to matches to curate an experience that matches where you are in your journey.  I wish you the best of luck and hope that you have as much fun with Feeld as I’ve had!

    Join the discussion! Are you online dating? Have you tried—or are you interested in—alternative dating apps? We’d love to hear from you! Click here to share your thoughts and experience.

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We are here to normalize women’s sexual health and wellness after 40, without apology.

It’s time to elevate the way we address sex in the second half of life and lift it out of society’s shadows. We’re tired of the stigma and secrecy. We’re frustrated with the lack of credible information. And we’re ready to reclaim women’s sexuality.